I'm Back

Alright ladies...don't worry. I know it has been a while since my last post, but if you stay tuned, I may or may not post. My posts from now on will be concerned with current events, not on the great debates and conundrums of life. Sometimes, however, I will comment on the great debates and conundrums of life. With that I leave with a saying that was once said by some great man..."Let the day go on as long as I am willing to have the day not become night. For it is the day that is not the night."

middle earth vs. middle america

A long-standing point of contention among scholars is the debate over which is superior: Middle Earth or Middle America. Both regions have their merits and both, their faults, and for eons, the argument over which of these two is better has raged on. Here, on this historic day, I will put to rest this age-old dispute.

Now, it is unclear which of the Middle’s was first. Obviously Middle America exists right now, but other, equally bored scholars, have sparred over whether Middle Earth has happened, or is to come. I will address this matter later and, therefore, will not include any arguments that involve one Middle copying the other.

Let us first discuss the positives:

Middle America is a vast land with seemingly infinite resources. It is well protected from attack, rising ocean levels, and Disney World/Land. The roads are open, and the people are friendly. The civilized East and West coasts are only a flight away and, most importantly, the natural beauty of Middle America is unrivaled.

Middle Earth is also a vast land with seemingly infinite resources. The Shire, at least, is well protected from attack, and there are no amusement parks. The region has retained its generally rustic look, with citizens opting not pave the roads and build high-rise buildings. Its natural beauty is also just as varied and beautiful as that of Middle America. What separates Middle Earth from Middle America is magic. Ancient spells and wizards are abundant. Glowing swords and water, enchanted caves and ghost warriors—all make Middle Earth an enticing place to stay.

Now that we have documented the good, let us discuss the bad:

Middle America, while being well protected from attack, is also insulated from the rest of America and the world. This isn’t meant to be a social or political commentary on Middle America, but recently, I witnessed a woman who described everything, from the bus we were traveling on to Mike Huckabee, as nice. My brain hurt. Traveling from place to place, we were repeatedly subjected to the same mediocre food and rude treatment from these supposedly friendly people. Our bus driver lamented over the fact that men don’t wear top hats every day because, as he said, “I’m a hat person, myself.”

Middle Earth has much more serious problems. While, right now, it is in a period of relative peace, Lord Sauron could rebuild his army and attack again. Also, even though he is “gone,” those loyal to Sauron still act as double agents. The threat of orc attack is very real, and bad magic is everywhere.

In the end, Middle Earth wins. Not only is there magic and hobbits, but there are no RV’s and bad food. Plus, with friends like Aragon and Legolas, I am instantly more popular than I am as a minority in Middle America.

Graduation

Graduations are joyous occasions, times in young scholars’ lives when their family and friends come together to celebrate the passing of one of life’s great milestones. I would like to submit, for review by the Midnight Society (?) that graduation is an incredibly awkward occasion.

First, there is the constant threat that some kid you drank with once freshman year will come embarrass you in front of your family.

“Dude, you remember that time when we ran around the Beach with our pants down? I’m gonna miss that, dude!”

“Uh, who are you? My pants have been up all of college.” Turning to your parents, mouthing, “I don’t know this kid, I spent 98% of my free time in the library and the other 2% walking from home to the library. He must be drunk. I hear that some kids drink in college, I don’t know what that is about, though.”

This interaction is awkward on two levels. Even though your parents might believe that the kid is some random drunk, the fact that someone brought up your alleged partying might cast a doubt in their mind about your claims to have been a library mole. Second, it’s unbelievably difficult to turn and mouth that much to your parents so that (1) they will understand your non-speaking, and (2) the “random” “drunk” kid won’t hear you and further attempt to make you remember his “spurious” story.

If you are like me, however, and actually did spend 100% of your time either in the library or getting to and from the library, you need not worry about That guy. Your GPA will probably reflect all those hours studying...

A more real and pressing concern is the ubiquitous graduation hug. Over 4 years at college, you meet a lot of people. Some go on to become your close friends. Others are more aptly categorized as acquaintances. Note—acquaintances are NOT the same as people you don’t like, they are merely friends who aren’t in your crew. Anyway.

So here’s the scene. You just graduated. Diploma in hand, you go find your family and friends for pictures and hugs and whatnot. You want to find all your close friends, have your parents meet their parents, take pictures with them, make plans for future geometric tables, all the usual things. Suddenly, above define acquaintance taps you on the shoulder. You turn.

“Hey! Congratulations!”

“Hey! You too!”

And then, the moment of truth. The world slows down, and you are presented with two choices, like a choose-your-ending book, except here, you can’t read all the endings.

You can (1) accept the impending graduation hug. Keep in mind, however, everything that comes with the hug: meeting said acquaintances extended family, discussing plans after graduation, what you’re going to name your first-born. Everything.

Or, you can (2) artfully (yes, it is an art) and awkwardly get out of the hug and, therefore, the subsequent duties.

“Hey! Congratulations!”

“Hey! You too!”… [silence]… “Alright, well, uh, im feeling a little backed up right now. But I’ll catch up with you after, yeah!?”

“Yeah, totally!”

And you’re free.

let me start again

hi.

it's been about 8 months since my last post, and i'm sure that readership has fallen to 0 from it's previous pinnacle of 3.

now that i'm graduating, i figure i'll have more time to write nonsense, so i think i'll get back into blogging, and even moblogging (here). i have put my sister on retainer as my idea thinktank, and just for the sake of progging (practice blogging), i will list some upcoming topics.

• graduations
• weddings
• the bread at subway

so if you happen to still check back here from time to time, continue doing so. your loyalty will be rewarded. maybe with a subway sandwich. mmmm.

texting vs. using an owl.

holy shit, it's been a long time since either meet or myself has posted anything. (i gave significant thought as to whether i would swear in the opening line of my post, but then thought to myself, "it's my blog, ill cry if i want to. and i sure as shit will swear if i want to also." but then it occured to me that my readers might think me philistine and unable to express myself properly if i resorted to such unnecessary swearing. by this point, however, i didn't really care any more. close parenthesis.) for those two of you who read this and care: i really did mean to post over the summer. i had alot of great ideas, the kind of great ideas one would usually associate with an idle mind. my mind, however, was not idle, so these idle thoughts confused me and, being unable to find the time to un-confuse myself, i wrote nothing.

now that school has started, however, and i have school work in addition to my lab work, i find that i am suddenly motivated to watch as my mind spills out about unnecessary, yet absolutely vital, topics.

fresh off the heels of this summer's hottest book is my first such discussion: what's better? sending text messages or using an owl.


in our world, text messaging has fast become the fastest and, arguably, most efficient way to contact people. in the magical world, which, incidentally, i am also part of, the weapon of choice is the owl. both have their merits, both have their faults. let us inspect.

the text message is instant. i send to you. you receive. you laugh. you respond. without anyone's knowledge, we planned dinner on friday. ill see you there. of course, this speed of use depends on the speed of the texter and textee, and if both parties have their phones on and on them.

the owl is somewhat different. i find parchment and quill. i write. i attach note to owl's leg. i talk to owl. i feel owl. i pet owl affectionately, reassuring her that she is, indeed, the only owl for me and that i only used pigwidgeon so i didnt attract too much attention. owl flies. owl does or does not stop for rest. owl finds you. you feed owl. you take note. you find your own parchment and quill. i need not continue. as you can clearly see, the owl is much slower than the text message. however, the owl isnt plaugued by the problems of the text message. no matter where you are, and whether your cell phone is on or not, the message will get to you.

i really need to get back to my work, so that about sums up my arguments for both sides even though i actually had more to say. i wasted words and time on the intro. sorry.

in the end, id say text messaging wins because try getting an owl to send a message. it's not as easy as you think. i know.

What It Do? How to Greet Properly

Before I begin this intense and important discussion about greeting someone properly, I would like to clear up some confusion. Number 1: Pokemon rule. Number 2: If any of you believed what you read in my pokemon post, you are a retards. Number 3: I purposely pluralized retards. Number 4: I know pluralized is not a word, but you still understood it. Number 5: I do not do research, I make up most of my facts...not that they are unreliable.

Ok...now onto more important material.

After reading Shyam's previous post about the "uh-f", I realized that Shyam's confusion during the Kat situation may have come from his inadequate knowledge about greeting someone. As an expert on saying hello to people, I feel that it is my responsibility to educate the public about the proper way to do so.

Many believe that a simple "Hello, how are you?" is a proper greeting. This is a common mistake. In fact, greeting someone like that is like saying "I hate you stupid c***-kissing biatch and I hope you die and then burn in hell and here is some hooker spit full of aids in your mouth you big sh**." (I know...I bet you didn't even know you were saying such horrible things. Lucky for you, I'm here to help you.)

The appropriate way to greet someone is with a simple phrase that really says what you mean, such as "What it do?" It's nice, simple, and straight to the point. Furthermore, it shows someone that you really care about them. In a world full of evil, it is nice to have someone that cares about you.

In fact, when using this greeting in the business world, like in a job interview, it shows that you are confident, strong, and smarter than your counterparts. You are showing your dominance in the encounter and will probably receive a promotion.

Using this greeting in the social world is also advantageous. Women and men alike will be instantly turned on and I can guarantee that you will get laid.

These simple phrases are not difficult to come up with. Just follow the following formula and you will be greeting people properly in no time:

(Question Word) it (conjugation of the verb "to be" or "to do")?

Here are some examples:

How it am?
Where it is?
What it done?
Who it are?
Why it did?

Now before I let you off into the world, I'd like to give you a little background on this type of greeting so that you may better understand it. The better you understand it, the better you will use it.

A common misconception is that people from Houston, Texas invented the phrase "What it do?". It is true that it is used as a greeting in Houston, but its origins date back to the time of Atilla the Hun.

When Atilla the Hun and his armies arrived in Hawaii in 12749 B.C., they had already conquered most of the world and at least 22% of Mars. Throughout his conquests, Atilla had learned the language of every one of his conquered territories. He was under the impression that he had already learned every language known to man and martian. In fact, since Hawaiians are American and Americans speak English, he expected to be able to communicate with the Hawaiians.

As he set foot on the shores of Honolulu, he pulled out his sword and screamed in an attempt to scare the Hawaiians. The Hawaiians were a peaceful people and had never seen a sword before. They looked at the sword and asked Atilla, "What it do?" (You see, the Hawaiians had never had a formal English class, so they spoke improper English.) Atilla thought that the Hawaiians were saying hello and from then on, he used "What it do?" as a greeting. The end.

P.S. This is probably my worst post ever, but I wrote it, so I'll publish it.

the unnecessary high-five

i realize it's been a while since anyone posted and im sorry about that, but both of us have been pretty busy. initially, i was at home watching csi and now im at school watching csi. our dear friend meet has been tied up doing his calc II homework and learning how to say "interesting. interesting and fun. no, not very fun, just fun" in spanish. so now know you understand what useful things have prevented us from updating this beacon of journalistic achievement. also, i apologize for meet's pokemon post. no, i didn't read all of it either. i love you, meet!

and now on to something way (omg) more important. the unnecessary high-five.

the high-five, now just a common expression of joy, congratulations, or nothing, has been traced back to ancient times in india (just like algebra, geometry, physics, the wheel, kinetics, and, of course, the zero, or 0). the sages used to high-five in the mornings before their morning meditations because it would focus their energies to their hands, which explains why when one meditates they make the circular shape with their pointer and thumb, as not illustrated anywhere in this post. anyway, this focusing of energies left the sages elated and euphoric. soon, the sages would high-five at kabadhi matches when their team won, and from there evolved the modern high-five. note: kabadhi is a game like red rover, but it involves fat uncles at hindi camp jumping around more can be good for their hearts.

from that time when the sages high-fived at the kabadhi finals of -3000 (no b.c, d.c, a.d, bay-d bullshit here, bitches!) the high-five became a symbol of victory. roman generals were required to send high-five messengers back to caesar upon defeat of farmers, and winston churchhill reportedly high-fived 007 when the second great war finally ended. as per it's original evolution, the high-five also retained its importance in sporting matches, from the us' olympic defeat of russia during the cold war (that previous statement is laced with subcutaneous meaning and, yeah, im proud of it), to anytime that the celtics manage to win, and many hundreds of thousands of events before and after both, the high-five remains an important part of sporting culture.

which, in a round-about, convoluted manner, brings me to the unnecessary high-five (uh-f). now, im not going to deride the uh-f without first admitting that i do, indeed, partake in uh-f-ing sometimes. for me, it's a way to get out of awkward situations. walking by someone i don't want to talk to on the way to class? throw up the hand and make an awkward noise, therefore forcing the person to react to the hand and noise and, at the same time, precluding any chance of talking. don't worry, i've never done this to any of you. promise.

the un-h also exists in academic situations. for example, when one gets a question right on homework or in class and their class mate throws up a quarter-deuce. what's the point of celebrating a right answer to a question that countless people all over the world have already answered. that's right, there's not point. don't do it. my space bar is squeaking.

there is also the inclassifiable un-h, such as when i walked into my apartment the other day, and kat just threw up five (there's your shoutout, now where are my cupcakes). we weren't in class, so i wasn't being congratulated, and she proceeded to talk to me, so she wasn't avoiding conversation. i was confused and, after recovering from my initial shock, i told her that i would have to blog about it.

so there you have it, my reason for writing this crap.

and im sorry, i shoulda writ it two days ago.