Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Friday, October 30, 2009

swearing...how do you really feel?

Fuck. Shit. Ass. That's right...I swore. I will swear at you, I will swear at the television, and I will swear for no god damn reason.

I'm tired of people who cringe when they hear people swear. What's the point of having language if it's not supposed to be used. When I am upset, I am gonna swear. It's not that I'm being disrespectful...saying "Fuck you" is just much faster than saying "hey girl, you are really making me mad". On top of the saving time thing, "fuck you" also makes someone understand that I'm actually angry and not messing around. It means I'm serious, so hurry the fuck up and fix the situation.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not one of those people that thinks it's acceptable to swear towards your parents or people of authority. I also don't want to be the one who teaches your children swear words. You won't hear me saying "hey kid....shut your ass up...you're annoying the shit out of me". But when I am surrounded by my peers (even people I don't know very well), I'm gonna swear. If I like something, I'll say "that's fucking nice". If I think you're a total bitch, I'll say "you're a cunt". If I see Daniel Gibson walking down the street, I'll say "Fuck you... you cunt-licking, dick-sucking, bitch ass mother fucking queef".

It's just the way I speak. I don't know why I feel the need to swear, but I can't help it. These words just come out. They are full of emotion...full of happiness, annoyance, anger, sadness. It's just a way to express myself and show the true nature of the way I feel. The words really put emphasis on my emotions. It's just a way for people to realize that I am truly passionate about what I'm talking about.

So with that said...FUCK off.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

bathroom inconsistencies.

as a frequenter of bathrooms, i have come to notice certain inconsistencies that i felt need to be addressed. 

in this modern age of microprocessors (yes, those. i dont know what they are, you dont know what they are, who gives a f***.) and internets tubes, there is no area of our lives left untouched. we now have "clickers" to control our tv's from the couch, machines that cook our food with invisible waves, and cameras that put pictures directly onto your computer. life gets better and easier every single day. 

i went into a public restroom some time ago, and i noticed that the toilet flushed itself. at first, i was startled by the lack of flush-lever, and then by the abrupt, unprovoked flushing. upon closer inspection, i noticed a red eye watching, blinking. apparently they put those tv elves to work someplace else. excellent. i went and washed and dried my hands and got on with life. 

sometime later, i went into a different bathroom (yes, i know, i go to alot of bathrooms). this time, the sink had a little red eye too! not knowing how to get the water running, i tried to wave to the elves and get their attention. like magic, the water started flowing. amazing!

i started getting used to the idea of the magical bathroom. how could life get any better than this? how wrong i was. in yet another bathroom, i came across an automatic paper towel machine. im telling you, aside from the obvious final automation that need not be mentioned nor implemented, public restrooms were at the peak. they were not going to get any better than this. 

eventually, i expected to see this trifecta of perfecta in every bathroom i went to. flush, wash, dry was fast becoming a seamless, clean process. and then it all went black.

well, not really black. or any other color. it just got frustrating, to put it as awkwardly and as badly english as possible. i began to notice that certain establishments would only invest in one or two of these magic machines, leaving the third to be operated by manual labor. 

what's the point of automating the flush, or the hand wash, only to have to touch the same lever as the guy who just peed on his hands to get a paper towel?

i'll leave you with that.

blogging, generally speaking

everytime i post, i say "it's been a while since my last post, and i will try to do it more often," or some variation of the sort. i'll post something and then add the website to my gStatus, pretending that i write regularly about important topics and that all my gBuddies should read. i then proceed to not post for a very long time. by this point, i assume that im writing for my own edification; most of my previously expansive reader base has undoubtedly become frustrated with reading the same, albeit exceedingly witty, posts again and again. as i sit here, equally frustrated with my thermo homework, i am resolving to post more often. i will share my interesting thoughts, and feel more academic for doing so. 

we'll see. 

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I'm Back

Alright ladies...don't worry. I know it has been a while since my last post, but if you stay tuned, I may or may not post. My posts from now on will be concerned with current events, not on the great debates and conundrums of life. Sometimes, however, I will comment on the great debates and conundrums of life. With that I leave with a saying that was once said by some great man..."Let the day go on as long as I am willing to have the day not become night. For it is the day that is not the night."

middle earth vs. middle america

A long-standing point of contention among scholars is the debate over which is superior: Middle Earth or Middle America. Both regions have their merits and both, their faults, and for eons, the argument over which of these two is better has raged on. Here, on this historic day, I will put to rest this age-old dispute.

Now, it is unclear which of the Middle’s was first. Obviously Middle America exists right now, but other, equally bored scholars, have sparred over whether Middle Earth has happened, or is to come. I will address this matter later and, therefore, will not include any arguments that involve one Middle copying the other.

Let us first discuss the positives:

Middle America is a vast land with seemingly infinite resources. It is well protected from attack, rising ocean levels, and Disney World/Land. The roads are open, and the people are friendly. The civilized East and West coasts are only a flight away and, most importantly, the natural beauty of Middle America is unrivaled.

Middle Earth is also a vast land with seemingly infinite resources. The Shire, at least, is well protected from attack, and there are no amusement parks. The region has retained its generally rustic look, with citizens opting not pave the roads and build high-rise buildings. Its natural beauty is also just as varied and beautiful as that of Middle America. What separates Middle Earth from Middle America is magic. Ancient spells and wizards are abundant. Glowing swords and water, enchanted caves and ghost warriors—all make Middle Earth an enticing place to stay.

Now that we have documented the good, let us discuss the bad:

Middle America, while being well protected from attack, is also insulated from the rest of America and the world. This isn’t meant to be a social or political commentary on Middle America, but recently, I witnessed a woman who described everything, from the bus we were traveling on to Mike Huckabee, as nice. My brain hurt. Traveling from place to place, we were repeatedly subjected to the same mediocre food and rude treatment from these supposedly friendly people. Our bus driver lamented over the fact that men don’t wear top hats every day because, as he said, “I’m a hat person, myself.”

Middle Earth has much more serious problems. While, right now, it is in a period of relative peace, Lord Sauron could rebuild his army and attack again. Also, even though he is “gone,” those loyal to Sauron still act as double agents. The threat of orc attack is very real, and bad magic is everywhere.

In the end, Middle Earth wins. Not only is there magic and hobbits, but there are no RV’s and bad food. Plus, with friends like Aragon and Legolas, I am instantly more popular than I am as a minority in Middle America.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008


Graduations are joyous occasions, times in young scholars’ lives when their family and friends come together to celebrate the passing of one of life’s great milestones. I would like to submit, for review by the Midnight Society (?) that graduation is an incredibly awkward occasion.

First, there is the constant threat that some kid you drank with once freshman year will come embarrass you in front of your family.

“Dude, you remember that time when we ran around the Beach with our pants down? I’m gonna miss that, dude!”

“Uh, who are you? My pants have been up all of college.” Turning to your parents, mouthing, “I don’t know this kid, I spent 98% of my free time in the library and the other 2% walking from home to the library. He must be drunk. I hear that some kids drink in college, I don’t know what that is about, though.”

This interaction is awkward on two levels. Even though your parents might believe that the kid is some random drunk, the fact that someone brought up your alleged partying might cast a doubt in their mind about your claims to have been a library mole. Second, it’s unbelievably difficult to turn and mouth that much to your parents so that (1) they will understand your non-speaking, and (2) the “random” “drunk” kid won’t hear you and further attempt to make you remember his “spurious” story.

If you are like me, however, and actually did spend 100% of your time either in the library or getting to and from the library, you need not worry about That guy. Your GPA will probably reflect all those hours studying...

A more real and pressing concern is the ubiquitous graduation hug. Over 4 years at college, you meet a lot of people. Some go on to become your close friends. Others are more aptly categorized as acquaintances. Note—acquaintances are NOT the same as people you don’t like, they are merely friends who aren’t in your crew. Anyway.

So here’s the scene. You just graduated. Diploma in hand, you go find your family and friends for pictures and hugs and whatnot. You want to find all your close friends, have your parents meet their parents, take pictures with them, make plans for future geometric tables, all the usual things. Suddenly, above define acquaintance taps you on the shoulder. You turn.

“Hey! Congratulations!”

“Hey! You too!”

And then, the moment of truth. The world slows down, and you are presented with two choices, like a choose-your-ending book, except here, you can’t read all the endings.

You can (1) accept the impending graduation hug. Keep in mind, however, everything that comes with the hug: meeting said acquaintances extended family, discussing plans after graduation, what you’re going to name your first-born. Everything.

Or, you can (2) artfully (yes, it is an art) and awkwardly get out of the hug and, therefore, the subsequent duties.

“Hey! Congratulations!”

“Hey! You too!”… [silence]… “Alright, well, uh, im feeling a little backed up right now. But I’ll catch up with you after, yeah!?”

“Yeah, totally!”

And you’re free.