...and on a lighter note

Ever since human kind began to poop, there has been divisive debate over the proper method for the dispensing of wiping implements.

In the beginning, when humans used the woods as their bathroom, trees and bushes made the perfect dispensers. There would always be a plentiful supply of leaves within close reach with which to clean oneself. The only choice that needed to be made was deciding upon a comfortable spot to defecate. As civilization progressed, however, more choices needed to be made and, unfortunately, these decisions became more difficult.

With the rise of the Ancient Greek and Roman civilizations came the introduction of indoor plumbing. For the first time ever, people did not have to run out in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. This new system, I assume, also prompted the invention of toilet paper. After all, you cannot have unlimited trees in your bathroom. But, I digress.

There are a number of different ways to dispense toilet paper: there is the from-the-side, vertical method, which is most often employed with paper towels in the kitchen. There are also two horizontal methods, over the top and from the bottom. We will explore together, in detail which of these orientations is best suited to deliver TP to your hands.

The from-the-side-kitchen-paper-towel method is named the “kitchen-paper-towel” method for precisely that reason. It is best suited for precision distribution of large, absorbent paper towels in the kitchen setting, where the user will be in a standing position and, most likely, cooking. This vertical orientation best allows for the instant “quick rip” action, needed to grab a single sheet while moving about. However, one is not interested in the “quick rip” while in the bathroom. The collection and obtainment of toilet paper is a fragile, sacred process and, thereby, must be accompanied by an appropriately delicate dispensing method.

One of the two more prominent configurations is the under-the-bottom delivery. Practiced by many devout followers across the world, the tradition of pulling TP from the bottom of the roll is popular, indeed.

Believers in this method argue that it is the best for a number of reasons. First, they say, it is easier to pull large amounts of paper from the roll very quickly. I counter with this: why would you want to use large amounts of toilet paper? It is not comfortable, and it is bad for the environment.

Another argument presented by bottom-lovers is that pulling upward from the bottom provides a cleaner, more accurate rip. False again. In my experience, and from my extensive interviewing on the subject, the ripping up motion, as dictated by bottom-dispensed toilet paper, is notoriously difficult and extremely inaccurate, often resulting in the embarrassing “mid-sheet-rip” or the even worse “no-rip-but-lots-of-extra-toilet-paper” situations.

I have clearly shown why pulling toilet paper from the bottom is stupid. Let us now explore why dispensing TP over the top is the optimal, and only, way to go.

First, with one swift, swiping motion, you can dispense the perfect amount of toilet paper every time. How, you ask? Well, it has to do with physics. When the roll is new and heavy, your swipe will result in slower rotation of the roll. However, with each rotation, comes more toilet paper; the circumference of the roll is equal to 2πr, so when r is larger, more paper comes with each turn. As the roll gets used up, r and the weight decrease. As a result, the tube spins faster, but less paper is given off with each roll, thereby dispensing the same amount as when the roll was full. Perfect every time.

Additionally, the rip needed for over-the-top dispensing, the “side-rip,” is the cleanest, most accurate rip, especially from the sitting position. From copious field testing and interviews this rip has been shown to be the best.

Finally, and probably most importantly, pulling toilet paper over the top is the only method which allows one to make that fancy triangle. If they do it in all of the best hotels and clubs, why not do it at home too?

While other methods for dispensing toilet paper do exist, pulling it over the top is clearly the best.

The side-pull, vertical method is great for kitchen settings, but is not suited for bathroom use. The pull-from-the-bottom, horizontal method is inherently flawed in every aspect. Only over-the-top dispensing allows for an accurate, clean, and pleasant end to a bathroom experience.