pants. a review.

Pants are tight.

Not tight in the traditional, restrictive, constricting sense of the word. Pants are tight in the new, hip, loose definition of the word. Like: “Damn, that car is tight,” or “this shit is tight,” where “shit” can refer to pretty much anything.

Most people take pants for granted. They get put on in the morning, taken off at night. They carry phones, pens, wallets, keys, and change around in their pockets. They protect the legs from excessive heat and cold, dust and water, and, sometimes, even mud. All these functions are served without even a second thought from those who wear them.

Additionally, pants serve as an expression of self. If you want to show that you are relaxing, you grab an old pair of jeans, worn in from years of use. Maybe there is a hole in the crotch, maybe not; that depends on what kind of wear you subject your pants to. If you have a meeting, you wear business pants (with business socks, I hope), to show the world that it is business time. You wear work-out pants to work out, snow pants to frolic in the snow, and Capri’s, which are of questionable pants status, to show off your shapely calves. And, if you are unequivocally stylish, you wear tight pants (real tight) to show the world that you are, indeed, unequivocally stylish.

Pants go well with many other types of clothing. T-shirts, sweatshirts, button-down shirts, sweater shirts, polo shirts, and even no shirts work well with pants. Maybe you noticed the general shirt trend; it is generally frowned upon to wear pants with other leg covering garments, although shorts underneath workout-pants is a pretty tight, trendily tight, combination.

In addition to shirts, pants generally look good with a variety of feet coverings, and the proper combination of the two can create a very powerful image. If you wear dress shoes with your jeans, you look relaxed, yet formal, ready to chill, work, or party: whatever the situation calls for. Sneakers also go well with most types of pants. Do not, however, make the mistake of wearing the aforementioned business pants with any type of sneaker. It is not cool, and you will look stupid. Contrary to many schools of thought, flip-flops/sandals go well with pants as well. There is nothing that says “classy” like pants and sandals, unless, of course, you are wearing business pants.

“What is with the business pants,” you might be asking, “why are they so special, and why is their use with feet coverings so restrictive?” This, needless to say, is because they are business pants. Their one function is to dress your legs for all business and formal events. Would you wear a t-shirt to an interview? Of course not, so then why would you want to wear sandals or sneakers to one? This is considered amateurish use of business pants, and people will laugh at you.

Hopefully, people will start to realize the underappreciated versatility of their pants and spread the word.

In the words of my roommate, Fernando, “we’re having a pants party tonight, and you’re invited!”

His pants parties, however, involve no pants at all.